The Darkness

When one looks, listens, even thinks about The Darkness these days, one thinks that The Darkness were an epic load of shit. But for a few bizarre, scarcely believable months in 2003-2004, these peculiar looking men were the biggest name in British music.

Clearly taking their lead from cock-rock stalwarts such as AC/DC, Aerosmith, Van Halen etc, as well as rock legends Queen, The Darkness were fronted by falsetto-voiced Justin Hawkins, a man who (to borrow a line from the excellent sitcom Black Books) resembles "a horse in a man costume." I imagine that the reason Justin Hawkins persued a career in music is due to someone telling him he had a voice not to dissimilar to dearly departed rock royalty Freddie Mercury. Buoyed by this generous comparison, Justin gathered together a platoon of similarly hideous gargoyles and BOOM! The Darkness were born. That's how I picture it anyway. The band's first foray into the nation's consciousness was the single 'Growing on Me', which was accompanied by a charmingly low-budget video which featured horses (other than Justin), angelic young ladies and alien spacecrafts, the whole thing blighted somewhat by the sight of Justin Hawkins' pasty naked body swashing around in a bathtub.



THANK GOD FOR PIXELLATION.

'I Believe in A Thing Called Love' was the next release, and became the song which everyone went batshit crazy over and propelled the band into the mainstream.



The first thing I notice between these videos is the clear increase in budget. 'I Believe...' is hardly on a par with anything, for example, Michael Jackson ever appeared in, but the whole thing seems a little more shiny. I feel sorry for whoever had to direct these videos, having to put up with Justin Hawkin's bony bare arse constantly on show. As with the video for Growing on Me, I'm not sensing any plot as such, other than the band are hideously disfigured aliens. I do feel sorry for that big purple monster having to caress Justin's bony pale frame. For a man who has spent a fair amount of time in the bath, he sure looks like he could do with a bloody good wash. I notice this is the first appearance of the catsuit which would become his trademark. I Believe... reached number 2 in the UK single chart, with their debut album, Permission to Land, hitting the top spot for four weeks in the summer of 2003. Somehow, in this highly stylized music world, where Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera and 50 cent ruled supreme, a quartet of facially challenged sweaty men from Norfolk had become the most talked about band in Britain.



The Darkness capitalised on their rapid ascent by recording a Christmas single, the 'hilariously' titled 'Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)' which was expected by all and sundry to reign supreme over the festive period but was beaten by depressing misery guts Gary Jules and his wrist-slicingly bleak cover of Tears for Fears' 'Mad World.'

A couple of months later, the BRIT Awards rolled into town, and heaped numerous accolades at the feet of the band, including two of the most coveted awards, best album and best act. One or two sub-standard (well, in comparison to the first few) singles followed in early 2004, before the band disappeared to work on a follow-up to their insanely successful debut.

During this time out of the limelight, everything began to go tits up for The Darkness. The guy with the handlebar moustache left and Justin went off to record a god-awful cover of This Town Ain't Big Enough For Both Of Us, inflicted upon the undeserving British public under the name British Whale. This turned out to be a fitting name, as a rather more portly Justin and the other ones returned with new album 'One Way Ticket To Hell And Back', a title which makes NO FUCKING SENSE. A one way ticket to hell and back is a return, you tool. Anywho, the single that launched the comeback was also called One Way Ticket To Hell And Back, and sounded exactly the same as every other Darkness song ever recorded, but a lot less catchy.



As you can see, this song deals with Justin's fondness for the white stuff. Not long after this, he entered rehab in order to rid himself of his addictions to alcohol and (shockingly) cocaine. Upon release from rehab, he announced that he would be leaving The Darkness and was last heard of trying, and presumably failing, to launch a new band, the bafflingly-named Hot Leg. The Darkness changed their name to Stone Gods and still have much of the same line-up. And according to recent rumours, Justin was considering squeezing back into the catsuit to reform The Darkness, which would be an awful idea and should NEVER EVER happen.

I actually kind of admire The Darkness for wearing their influences so clearly on their sleeve, and doing what they did with a sense of humour. It wasn't big or clever, but it was kinda funny in parts. And I Believe In A Thing Called Love is one of the best pop singles of the past 10 years. Fact.


The Darkness on Last FM