Javine

Javine Hylton is famous (well, slightly less of a nobody than before) for two reasons. Firstly, she was a finalist on TV talent show Popstars; The Rivals, where she missed out on a place in what would become Girls Aloud. Secondly, she is a great big slapper. Javine is the devil woman who ruined Alesha Dixon's life by waving her titties in the direction of Alesha's husband, part-time MC, part-time footballer MC Harvey. Harvey promtly gave Alesha the heave-ho and shacked up with this modern-day Whore of Babylon.

Before she took up a career as a marriage-wrecking harlot, Javine had enjoyed some moderate success as a solo artist, with debut single 'Real Things' reaching the top 5 in the UK.



As you can see, Javine isn't interested in all that flash shit, Javine wants 'real things'hence the title. I noticed a fantastic comment on Youtube regarding Javine. It read "This tune is good but the gal duttty,teething peoples man."

Javine released one or two more singles which dented the top 20, and then vanished for a few months, reappearing to represent the UK in the 2005 Eurovision Song Contest, her effort 'Touch my Fire' winning the vote over Eurovision veteran Gina G, fellow talent show reject Andy Scott-Lee and blimp-tittied hussy Jordan, who insisted on performing her song dressed as a giant vibrator. Javine, presumably not wanting to break with British tradition, performed poorly, finishing somewhere near the bottom of the pile, probably between Lithuania and Kosovo.





Touch my Fire was another middling success for Javine, troubling the latter end of the top 20. It was now that Javine's career in pop music came to an end, reinventing herself as a rent-a-celeb, appearing on such reality TV shows as The Games (which she won), Come Dine With Me (which she did not win) and The Underdog Show (which I have never ever heard of). As well as this, she won herself the award for Rear of the Year. It is worth noting that by this time (the year 2006 I think) Girls Aloud had become one of the most successful pop groups of the 21st century and had racked up over 15 consecutive top 10 hits. How Javine must hate that ginger one, or the one who doesn't talk.


THE BEST ARSE OF 2006

It was during this period of Javine's career that she went and got herself in truoble with the law for drink-driving, and the shit hit the fan regarding her snaring of MC Harvey, the subject of the above "teething peoples man" comment. Two people who took particular exception to Javine and Harvey's shoddy treatment of Alesha Dixon were Simon Amstell and Jamelia, the latter appearing on the former's show Never Mind The Buzzcocks and displaying a rather large amount of contempt for Javine, referring to her as a "two-faced home wrecker" and "a relationship-ruining slag".

Javine and Harvey have now ended their fairytale romance, their time together neatly book-ended by Harvey's inability to keep it in his pants. Their relationship bore one child and one threat of murder when Javine took exception to Harvey's partying antics. In an interview, she stated that she had "done Alesha a favour" by taking Harvey away from her as he was always cheating on her with other women, Javine included. So really, Javine was doing Alesha a favour. If only more victims of aldulterers would see their partner's infidelity this way.

Javine on Last FM